i admit i lack superficial skills. i can't quite force myself to hide my feelings when i see a person. esp one whom i dislike.

i think it was quite obvious, despite having tried very hard to fake a plastic smile. but who cares?

i feel like slapping my mouth for "speaking" those words.
i feel like slapping my brain for not thinking of better alternative phrasing.
i feel like slapping my hands for having fingers that type those wrong words sent by the brain.
i feel like slapping my heart for trusting the wrong person.

2 things i've wanted to mention since long time ago, but i was just too lazy to blog abt it.

over the hols, i went to the airport many times to meet my sis. standing at the arrival hall, i see happie pple hugging one another, laughing, welcoming their loved ones back. thou i was standing some distance away, i could feel their joy and happiness. i was reminded of how me and my mum felt when i came back from INSTEP months ago. its always nice to go home. and i've never appreciated being at home so much, before i went away. not going to US is not a disappointment. i mean it is a disappointment, but this kinda thing, u gain some, u lose some. its not a win-win kinda thing. so its reallie ok.

and i can't believe just how lazy i am. yes, so i like to be at home. and do nth, absolutely nth. i would rather go home at 9.30am than to stay in school to read up on fyp stuff, or even to work at the EEE office. I just wanna go home, even if there's nth for me to do at home.

i hate responsibilities. i would love to be the chairman of XXX, the president of YYY and participate in ZZZ..but can i not shoulder the responsibilities that come wif those commitment?

this is a pure case of laziness.

it was supposed to be a very happie day. but it ended on a very sad note when i saw the lect notes of EE4695. i so very regretted choosing the module over EE4001-one which everyone says its easy. why did i believe in my ability in playing with fire, immersing myself in the devil combination of electronics and physics?

to add first before i drop. i don't feel like doing that. the notes are such turn-offs that i don't think i wanna take a 2nd look at them. i choose to believe that anything is better than that.

may there still be slots that i want when i do my add drop. i will bring my laptop to class by all means. even if that makes the face of the Indian professor even blacker.

i dislike school. but i dislike the pple of hall 5 even more. not all of them, but some crazy pple who at the age of 21+++, still cant prioritize their stuff.

these are pple who are so much more than indispensable in life. i don't care if they smile or talk to me, or if they make faces behind my back. they are pple whom I don't share a single bit of fake concern. i still rmb how Charlotte and William attempted to force us in going CLDDS practices unreasonably during our Sec 2 holidays.
those hall pple belong to pure mutated species of Charlotte and William.

a new room, a new beginning. may those mutants leave me alone.

my new year resolution? to escape from the mutants. LOL

The Mystery of the Missing Cat.

date: 25 Dec 2009
time: 1600
venue: River Place Condo, Tower A2, #09-XX

1. The doors of the rooms should be left open, yet they were all closed when we arrived.

2. Stale air. The apartment had a very very pungent smell.

3. There should be 2 cats in the house, yet there was only 1. A sinister-looking mat of a pop-up cat was found on the floor. It was said that the other cat always hides when it sees people. Yet nobody has ever seen that 2nd cat before.

4. There was an opened window in the kitchen.

5. Dead cockroaches and cat foods were found all over the kitchen.

6. The bowls of the water and cat foods were still filled to the brim.

7. The house was in a terrible mess, with the shoes and big soft toys lying around on the living room floor. Clothes were thrown around randomly on the beds of the rooms. Cosmetics and facial products were scattered on the dressing table. The disheveled state was as good as if the house had been ransacked.

The mystery will unravel on 30 Dec 2009 when Collin returns. Perhaps the Sherlock Holmes movie tomorrow will give me some ideas to solve the mystery first.

happie belated birthday to me.
merrie advanced xmas to me too. LOL

anyway, i think i'm so very broke this xmas. i mean not that there's $0 in my bank account left..but apparently, money is going out and not coming in. ok, not like it comes in on other months, but cash is definitely flowing out rapidly!!! OMG. then how?

i dun feel like going to the Sunway gathering tmr nite...another $25 :(
but i've promised them already...then how? can i cook up an excuse last min to excuse myself? its not very nice..maybe pple are looking forward to seeing me? HAHA I MUST BE IMAGINING THINGS. anyway...

lets trace back to the day after exams.

BLM's night out: Clubbing + K
24/05 Changing Appetites Dinner
Alien, ice-cream, lover gathering: Sushi + Neoprints + Shopping
CDC: Registration + Lessons + previous private driving lessons (THIS IS ZAMN EX!!!)
Interview with BLMs: Dinner
Hall application + Dinner & Arcade with Qifen

and i'm quite sure i missed out sth and there are still more to come...
OMG!!! I don't dare to sum up those receipts!!!

i wish money would drop from the sky. hahahaha

is the past still of any importance? when things happen, then things happen! if they don't, then they don't. but why is it that emotions always seem to contradict the way i think or the way i should be thinking?

i don't know, and i wish i knew. but its ok. if you don't know, then you don't know. there's no big deal. and i'm sure my thinking will overpower my feelings.

by the way, i think there's cafe world cheats. i read abt it, and i think it looked quite chim. i read it merely for the sake of knowing how pple can cheat and level up. but i think cheating spoils the fun. its just a game. there's no need to resort to cheat.

how much do you like to be scolded?
how much would you pay to be scolded?

ask me. today i got scolded practically for 1.5hours + 2hours non-stop. f*** the idiotic instructor. not that i'm gonna f*** him, i think he shd just f*** his stupid car.

its not me to be so vulgar. really. i think it's rare for me to scold vulgarities right smack of the fella's face. usually i do this behind pple's backs or i just use milder words. but i damn pissed. i think pple would think i'm a fool to pay $$ to get scolded. anyway, i dun think he had the right to.

Monday is test. does he not feel the stress, the anxiety in me? does he think that i'm an ATM..which refills the $$ automatically? does he think i enjoy failing?
its been proven. the more eager u wanna do sth right, the less likely u will do that thing right. 欲速則不達.. did he not come across this phrase before? how abt 皇帝不急太监急..if i really intend to fail, and i dun give a damn abt it, what right has he got to yell at me lidat?

I think i had been too calm today. I was so calm that I did not bother to rebut him, until the timely vehicle gave him a chance to nag and gave me a chance to scold.
tmr..i will send that complaint letter.

OK, i'm petty, i'm complain queen, i'm whatever you want to call me. cos at the end of the day, it still voices down to these 2 questions:

how much do you like to be scolded?
how much would you pay to be scolded?

The trip has been cancelled due to some internal problems in USAFA. The prof is disappointed. The partner is sad that all hopes are now gone. The writer of this post somehow, is more glad than anything else.

Perhaps the only thing worth being negative about is no more outlet shopping. but who cares? Its a way to save money too.

Pple are puzzled. "Did you not look forward to this trip?" "Weren't you happie that u're going US?"

To be frank, I had no feeling actually. I mean, sacrifices had to be made for me to go for the trip. It wasn't a win-win thing in the first place. Now that i'm staying, things go back to as planned, I get to spend time + CNY with my family, study the same modules as my frens, get a slack timetable..and enjoy whatever comes with staying in sg..why not? Why be so adamant abt what is no longer mine?

The only things worth worrying abt is my hall. Hopefully somehow, I would be able to move back.

and hopefully I can pass my driving test on Mon. LOL

i thot i wouldnt be sad when my roomie moves out. but i was wrong. the feeling last nite was just that when Qifen moved out 1 year ago. But maybe this time was less intense.

Tmr is my last paper. hip hip hooray. i look forward to the freedom after the exams. but i hate the driving lessons that are upcoming. there's a reason each time, why i need to pass the driving test. but there's many reasons each time too, as to why the examiner should fail me. sucks. i think i'm gonna fail again. i think this is one thing i encountered the most failures. the previous time probably was the beginners' swimming test where i only passed on my 2nd attempt. LOL

Also, i don't look forward to the overseas IA. I mean, i hate to part with my frens and family members. Yes, its only for 6months or so. But its almost a 200 days, 200x24hours... its a long time, there's no denial.

buzz...Buzz...BUZZ...Hear the sound of gossips!!! I know this sound best cos I'm a gossiper too.

I'm irritated at these 2 gossipers because they gossiped behind my back and in-front-of my sister.

Actually there was nothing to gossip about. And for a person with normal brain capacity, those trivial things that happened 1.5 mths ago should long be left behind somewhere.

But anyhow, i'm not sure if i ever gossip about someone 13 years later, it would be the same scene.
But anyhow, gossip only if its necessary. A reason such as jealousy is an excuse.

Exams are round the corner. The semester is ending.
Its a sad sad thing.

I've never appreciated uni life until this semester. Uni life is like that of a nomad. Moving from LTs to TRs; not taking a second look at who's around you, only focusing on whats on the board and in your mind. It has been lidat for the previous sems.

This sem is different. I felt the warmth in the freezing cold classroom. Perhaps its the smallness of the class that gave me the cosy feeling of family and unity.
All my years in NTU, i have never stayed back in school until 10plus pm, just to discuss school work with my schoolmates. Though not all of us were smart geeks, the presence was what mattered most. Though the topic was hard, surprisingly, i enjoyed myself and I felt that the time spent was so much more meaningful than taking a power nap.

I can't believe these pple have become part of my life, such that i felt sad being away next sem and not able to attend classes with them. I have never thought i would be so affected by my classmates. Perhaps, this is the 1st time in uni that I ever had a proper class.

As if that wasn't sad enough, the lyrics of Vitamin C-Graduation made it even worse. Will these big brothers and sisters still rmb me when they grad? Will they still rmb the jokes that we cracked and the fun we made of one another? Will they still rmb all the exact scenes in the wintery TR102, which we spent consecutive hours in it...

12.38am. someone's alarm clock just rang. LOL. just when i'm about to slp.

good time management was a compliment then. is it still applicable now? Have I always been so irresponsible and lazy, just that I didn't demonstrate until recently? Or is this a change in me or a form of addiction to TVB dramas and the various applications of Facebook?

I don't know if I find it hard to concentrate. I seemed to be in a daze all the while. Pretending to be busy cos I thought I am. But actually not quite. At the back of my mind, there is seemingly a lot of things I need to do. But on 2nd thought, those things..do I really need to do them now?

recess week. it came and left.

never-ending work. one after another. one togther with another.

i still manage to find time for Farmville, Pet Society and Restaurant City. well done to me. this is what i call good time management.

not to forget, my perfect dvd-dinner combination. it has made dinnertime the most enjoyable time of my entire day. But it has also made me almost obsolete in hall. it takes a lot to be called 宅女. do you then, have what it takes?

group assignments are things that pple usually enjoy. me too. but not when u have free-riders tagging along. i regret saying yes. when she asked if she could do the proj with me, i shd have just said no. afterall there are so many others who are doing it alone. and it is not as if i cant cope alone. why did i agree?!!

why did i agree to let her do the proj with me? asking the qn over and over again doesn seem to fetch me any answer. the thing is..is there a difference now that she's doing the proj with me? No. cos i'm still doing all the work and redo-ing all the work that she has done. i'm answering all the queries that she has..and she's typing down those words that i said into the report. in a condensed version somemore. when the ball is thrown to me, i'm the editor editing my work. this is downright dumb.

I am a perfectionist. or maybe she is the total opposite. when 2 extremes come together..thats the exact situation now. i appreciate the thot that she has..sometimes we say tt its the thot that counts..but when it comes to assignment, actions definitely speak louder than words!!

i am not saying that i'll be handing in an A-grade assignment..but i'm sure its wont be tt bad given the amount of effort i have put in. but what abt the free-rider?

i miss doing projects with ys. the mkting assignments, the HRM assignments, and the thyristor project. i admit i'm not always the one giving the most all the time, but i seriously did put in all my best in those assignments. just like the one i'm doing now. sigh...

I hate hall. YES!!! I'm saying this openly..I HATE NTU HALL5!!! It sucks. Read the email below. I know its long.

Dear successful applicants of Senior Hall Fellow discretionary list (AY09/10), It has been a great start to an exciting year! Hall 5 has come thus far with your contribution and participation. I am confident that we can go much further with your continued support.
Faking it.
The SHF list aims to promote hall activities. We believe that the successful applicants possess the initiative, talent and skills to continue with their contribution to hall. The various hall committees have started their recruitment drives.
This email was sent after their recruitment drives.

This is a reminder on the fulfillment of the contract terms in the SHF list for those who have overlooked the recruitment.
Below are the contract terms for successful applicants of the SHF list.Successful applicants will be subjected to fulfill 2 out of 3 requirements as follows:

i. Be a member and participate actively in any of the JCRC, Special Projects or Ad-Hoc Main Committees,
ii. Be a member and participate actively in a. JCRC subcommittee and b. One Special Project or Ad-Hoc subcommittees, or
iii. Participate in at least 3 sports or recreation games during the coming inter-hall games or at least 2 sports or recreation games with Cheerleading/Dance competition

Below are the available committees and activities which you can still join:
Dinner & Dance (Recruitment Drive : 15th & 16th September)
JCRC Sub-Committee (Recruitment Drive : 22nd & 23rd September)
Overseas Expedition Committee (Recruitment Date To be Confirmed)
Cheerleading
Colours Award Board Committee
Quintsical Production Sub Committee
Freshmen Orientation Camp Sub Committee
Inter Hall Games

Appropriate course of actions will be taken in the event that the contract is not fulfilled.
Yah, to get kicked out of hall. THIS I UNDSTD!
The Senior Hall Fellow, Hall Fellows and JCRC value your participation greatly and we look forward to the exciting prospect of working with you to push Hall 5 to greater heights!
The only way to be pushed to greater heights is to move next to SAO.

All sorts of shit. When you go down for the interviews, those big-headed pple tell u "Oh, there are a lot of potential members from the freshmen..so I hope you undstd."

I DONT UNDERSTAND!! Whats there to undstd? All i undstd is that, there they are telling you to join those comms, and there they are rejecting non-freshmen. WTF! QP, DnD. Look at this yr's JCRC. There's no one in there who's older than a yr2 student. And Chris had the cheek to ask me to join back as a Havoc programmer. To hell he goes.

I am angry..if you still cant tell from my tone. And i'm tired. All the fcking shit abt joining hall activities amidst so many other academic stuff. Now is not tt i dun wanna join. The fact is they only wanna freshmen!

The 4901 project is killing me. Working with a 'handicap' is not easy.
Same goes for next wk's quiz.
And I still have to be busy wif 2nd sis's wedding.
And the IA stuff leh?
And my stupid handphone which hasnt been behaving lately.
And I am very very tired.

We always talk abt choices..choices to eat what we like, do what we like, live what we like. But sometimes its not up to us to choose. It seems like the not-so-impt stuff havent been very successful and smooth-sailing since the start of school. Things were taking place at the speed of light while i was still happily in lala-land, painting rosy pictures of what things are going to be like. Well, since it has already happened, then what more can i do? I'm not left with a choice apparently, if you count accepting the facts or harping on them as an option.

I dun like the way things are "spinning" around me. It is an apt word, cos i get dizzy and confused as the things spin. And the feeling sucked big time.

Its just the beginning of the sem, and things are getting messy. Its up to me to get my mind set on my goals and be ignorant of the things happpening arnd me.

Whats been wrong with my browser..somehow it just doesn't display blogger correctly.

There are things that i dun say. Cos i dun think they are worth bringing up. But that doesn't mean they dun exist.

Pple say they undstd me in a way similar to pple judging books by covers. 99% of the time, those pple are right..but there's still that 1% probability that they may be wrong. I dun mean to keep things to myself, but how is it that pple can undstd how i feel when they're not in my predicament? Bullshit to the empathies and sympathies.

Being hurt time and again is as good as being stabbed at the same spot over and over again....the wound should not be touched cos just when u thot it has healed, it starts to bleed again. It may take eons to fully recover. Or maybe it wont recover at all? I don't know.

Until my heart is dead, the one holding the knife is never convicted for murder. To him, a mere word of "sorry" is his penalty for inflicting pain and injuries to others. But to me, he has gotten away scot-free....

Ion, anion, cation. What would you wear to one of the buzziest shopping malls in town?